


In the Dark *DISCONTINUED*

by Jackaboi



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Chara has Vertiligo, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Incest, Implied/Referenced Murder, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Sexual Harassment, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2020-09-29 18:29:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 18,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20440532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jackaboi/pseuds/Jackaboi
Summary: All I know for sure is that Mount Ebott is very tall.I lean over and look down.Some part of I says if I jump, I’ll die.Another part says good .And that’s all it takes.I step over the edge, and let myself fall.





	1. LEGENDS

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Suicidal Attempt, Implied Child Abuse, Implied Self-harm.
> 
> If you don't want to read those subjects, this story is NOT FOR YOU.
> 
> Please note: This is written with the intention to be rewritten.

_ Long ago, two races ruled over Earth: HUMANS and MONSTERS. _

_ One day, war broke out between the two races. _

_ After a long battle, the humans were victorious. They sealed the monsters underground with a magic spell. _

  


As a child, if I was ever in a position to be called a child, this was my favorite fairytale. It was everyone else’s too. We would play it at recess, but no one wanted to be a monster. 

Except me. I was a monster, every time. In my eyes, humans were the real monsters.

The kids would whisper about Mount Ebott as well, though this was something more secretive. Something all the kids knew was “grown-up stuff”.

_ Legend says that those who climb the mountain never return. _

Once, I overheard some kids whispering that it was the monster’s fault. The took the travelers, were playing with them, tormenting them, eating them.

I… Didn’t like that. Monsters had always been my escape. They were better than humans. They _ had _ to be better than my parents.

Ever since, however, I’d been toying with the idea. I would imagine climbing the mountain, and finding monsters, and the monsters would take me in. And I’d be safe. 

Even if I wouldn’t… Even if they would try and kill me… 

I don’t know about anyone else, but I would much rather die at the hands of a monster than my parents. I would much rather die by _ my _ hands than theirs. That was a choice I’d made a long time ago.

So I left. 

I bet they didn’t even notice. Not for a good long while.

I bet they didn’t even cry. 

I bet they didn’t even care.

  


The path dwindled a long time ago, leaving me to walk through the trees by myself. 

I’d always wanted to climb Mount Ebott, though I knew it was a dream that’d likely never be seen through. That was idiotic on my part, so I’d never even mentioned it to my parents, even before things got… Worse.

Now I’m climbing it with an intent to never come back. It was kinda morbid, but I try not to think about it too much. 

I’ve already been climbing it for a couple days now, and now am finally nearing the top. With any luck, the cavern was real. With any luck, it wouldn't be too hard to… fall. 

Not that I have the best luck. 

Not that anything like this had ever worked before.

Day is beginning to break the horizon, and the trees to thin out. It doesn’t bother me. Why not have the last thing I see be beautiful?

_ Because I don’t deserve it. _

My arms burn.

My neck aches.

My oldest sweater, purple and blue, ratty and gross, was my only turtle neck. It was the only thing that could hide the scar around my neck and jaw. 

I shuddered thinking about it.

Now I can see the mouth of a cave. This must be it. I glance one last time us at the sky, letting selfishness take over for the last time ever. 

And then it’s gone. I’m just numb. Calm. Surprisingly calm considering what I’m about to do.

Inside, it looks oddly man-made. Like it’s been hollowed out, with just enough room in the middle for a hole a couple meters across. There are vines and moss everywhere. No one, I bet, has been here in years. 

I move over to the edge. 

Stare.

Estimate the height.

All I know for sure is that Mount Ebott is very tall.

I lean over and look down.

Some part of I says if I jump, I’ll die. 

Another part says _ good _.

And that’s all it takes.

I step over the edge, and let myself fall.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lived...  
Saved...  
Disappointed...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: suicidal impact uwu, flask backs suicidal thoughts

I hit the ground with a jarring thud.

I wait for death. Death that, as I lay there, sobbing, screaming, clawing at my throat, nails digging into already bruised flesh, I know will never come.

I stop trying to rip my throat out. I’m just there. After a while, I’m not crying anymore. Just numb.

An odd feeling pulls at my gut and suddenly, I feel sick, and… It’s determination. I’m determined. Determined to _ live _ . I feel so _ alive _. 

And I hate it.

Following this is a tug to move, explore, _ experience _ that I’m... not sure was really _ me _. It sends shivers down my spine.

*_ You’ve been lying there an awfully long time. _

I snap upright and search for the source voice.

“Who…” I voice is raw, rough. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand, looking around at the empty black. Well, mostly. I’m in the middle of a patch of golden flowers. Even though it’s barely dawn outside, there’s a pleasant warm quality to it.

“Hello?” Shakily I stand. “Am I going crazy?”

Considering that I said that to an empty room, I probably am. That same old loathing churns in my gut. 

“Where am I?”

No answer. Maybe I imagined the voice?

Moving to the edge of the chamber, I brush my hand against the smooth stones. They’re cold. I spot a stick and pick it up.

I turn in a circle again, inspecting the hollow. Why is it here? How did it get here? 

It doesn’t matter. I’m still alive aren’t I?

I turn to the only extension of the room, walk down it.

When I get to the end of the “hallway”, there’s an arch that frames more blackness. I look back at the circle of light one more time before entering it. 

The first thing I see is more light. Where it’s coming from, I have no idea, but it’s there. 

The second thing I see is a flower. A flower with a face. In the back of my brain I think that that’s a bit odd. Flowers usually don’t have… Faces?

For a second I think I hear childish laughter, and, unsettled, I glance around once more for the voice, and again find nothing.

“Howdy! I’m Flowey! Flowey the Flower!”

I jump and face the flower, _ Did it just talk? _

The voice doesn’t answer.

“Golly, you’re a jumpy one! Hmmmm… And new to the Underground, aren’t cha?” The flower- Flowey, looks like it’s waiting for a response, so I nod.

“You must be so confused! Someone ought to teach you how things work around here! I guess little old me will have to do. Ready? Here we go!”

I am most certainly not ready. 

Despite that, there’s a lurching feeling, nauseous and my stomach pulls, my vision wobbles, and blacks out for a second and then…

There’s a heart. Just floating. Just sitting there. Right in front of my chest. It bothers me, almost. 

Like it shouldn’t be there. Like I _ shouldn’t be here _. Like I should be dead. I should be dead. Dead... Why aren’t I dead? That drop should have killed me. Why didn’t it kill me?

_ Shut up. _

I was unlucky. So what? It had happened before. 

There’s always next time. And there’s a talking flower in a pool of light that comes from nowhere. Focus on that.

Blinking, I tune back in.

“-that heart? That is your SOUL, the very culmination of your being! Your SOUL starts out weak, but can grow strong if you gain a lot of LV. What’s LV stand for? Why, LOVE, of course!”

Ok. LOVE. Sure. Why not.

“You want some LOVE, don’t you?” Not really? But I let it ramble. “Don’t worry. I’ll share some with you!” 

It grins at me, crooked, dark. It puts me off edge, but then again, why do I care? If it killed me, good.

“Down here, LOVE is shared through… Little white…”

This is Ok. Everything is OK.

“‘Friendliness pellets!’ Are you ready? Move around! Get as many as you can!”

I step out of the path of the ‘friendliness pellets’. I… Just couldn’t stay. It’s like something… Made me move.

“Hey buddy, you missed them. Let’s try again, OK?”

Feeling bad, I wait for the pellets to come to me, and-

Painpainpainpainpainpainpain- My insides scream at me, you’re dying you’re dying you’re dying!!!

I stumble back, trying to get_ away _ but I can’t leave. I’m stuck. I’m stuck. _ I’m stuck I can’t leavethisiswrongI’mstuckI’mstuckthere’saropearoundmyneckandit’s tightsososotightIcan’tbreatheIcan’tbreatheIcan’tbreathe- _

The flower whose face is suddenly grotesquely pulled into a smile.

“yOu _ iDiOT. iN tHiS wOrLd It’S KILL OR BE KILLED. wHy WoUlD aNyOnE pAsS uP aN oPpOrTuNiTy LiKe THIS?! _”

I’m surrounded. There’s ‘friendliness pellets’ circling me. _ I can’t breathe _. 

“DIE.”

It starts cackling, and, even though I can’t see it very well any more, it’s the most terrifying sound I’ve ever heard. 

What is wrong with me? Why am I scared? I want to die. I _ want _ to die.

I lurch towards the pellets, ready to die- 

There’s a yelp. 

I look up... 

At…

My…

“Savior”? 

A goat? Woman?

“What a terrible creature, torturing such a poor, innocent youth… Ah, do not be afraid, my child. I am Toriel, caretaker of the Ruins. I pass through this place everyday to see if anyone has fallen down. You are the first human to come here in a long time. Come! I will guide you through the catacombs. This way.”

I can’t help staring at her. First of all, she was a GOAT. Second of all she had saved me. I had wanted to die.

I wanted to die. 

I want to die.

I have to stand and breathe for a full minute before I can follow Toriel into the dark, just to get rid of the feeling of anger and enclosure and falling and choking and - And it _ didn’t matter _.

_ Maybe I am dead. Maybe this is the afterlife? _

There’s a little cackle and the hair on the back of my neck rises.

_ *Not likely. _

Breathe. Breathe. Not real. _ Not real _. 

I advance to the next chamber, which is bright and overwhelming and I’m not sure I can do this. 

The stones have a purplish tint. White stairs on either side of a huge pile of red leaves leads up to another arch. In between those, there’s something, much like a star, shining at me. 

I walk forward, curious, though it’s not, it doesn’t feel like- 

I reach out to touch it, and I feel... 

Warm.

Calmed.

Energized. 

It’s like… All my problems, my parents, my anorexia, my anxiety, my gender dysphoria, even my depression, just… Faded. Left. 

I want to _ live _ again.

It’s….

_ Determination _.

It’s insane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aa thanks for reading my crap


	3. Laughter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a disembodied voice cheers up our unnamed protagonist!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hdgjsa TW not much, just kinda a "I can't disobey" thing that is the result of abuse. and having a mini panic attack thing about being happy
> 
> this is kinda fast, so, at some point it'll probably be rewritten

It’s very quiet. 

I can’t stand it.

I wish Toriel would come back, which is stupid because she’s a goat and I’ve only known her for thirty minutes at the most, but in that time period I’d felt closer to her than my real mother. She was sweet and caring, and she worried about me. 

I consider calling her.

I chose not to.

Breathe. Breathe. In 2 3 4, Hold 2 3 4, Out 2 3 4, Hold 2 3 4, In 2 3 4… 

Out.

In. 

Out.

_ RIIIIIIIIING!! _

I gasp, not in the good way, and choke on nothing, coughing as I pull out the phone Toriel gave me.

“Hello? This is Toriel. My errands are taking longer than I thought they would… You must wait 5 more minutes. Thank you for being so patient!”

She hangs up. 

Frowning, I look down at the phone and hesitate before putting in away. 

Breathe. It’d already been a while since she left. Maybe I should just… Go on?

_ But!!  _ My mind shrieks at me,  _ I can’t disobey! _

Sighing, I give in to myself and begin to sit back down.

_ *Wait, what? _

I freeze. 

It’s the voice.

_ *Come ooooon! I’m not just a voice, by the way, and whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy aren’t you leaving???!!!  _

“She, uh, Toriel, told me to wait for her. She said it was dangerous.”

Why am I talking to a voice in my head?

_ *I TOLD you. I’m not just a voice! I have a name _ .

“Well let’s hear it.” I cross my arms at nothing, waiting for an answer.

_ *I, well, I. I don’t have to tell you. My mom told me not to talk to strangers.  _

“What? You are a  _ voice in my head _ ! How am I a stranger?!”

The voice says something, but I’ve stopped. Something’s different. Off.

_ *What? _

I’m enjoying myself.

My chest clutches. My vision blurs. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Silence.

_ *Hey… Shh, it’ll be OK. Come on, let’s go find Toriel, OK? _

I’m shaking.

_ *Hey! Do you like to sing?  _

“W-what?”

_ *Sing? _

“I- I-”

_ *You are my sunshine, _

_ My only sunshine, _

_ You make me happy! _

_ When skies are grey. _

_ *Come on, I know you know this song. _

_ *You’ll never know dear,  _

_ How much I love you. _

_ Please don’t take my _

_ Sunshine away… _

That time I sang along, quiet and horse.

_ *Why don’t we go look for Toriel. The Ruins aren’t that big, so we SHOULD be able to find her. _

I sigh. “OK”

_ *YES!!!!!!!!! _

A small smile crosses my lips as I go pick up my stick and look back one more time. 

“How old are you?”

_ *Um, heY!! LOOK A FROGGIT!! _

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!!

Once again, I jump, pulling out my phone. 

“Hello? This is Toriel. You have not left the room, have you?” Guilt churns in my stomach, “There are a few puzzles up ahead I have yet to explain. It would be dangerous to try and solve them yourself. Be good alright?”

I start to say, “OK.” But she hung up first.

_ *Well that was rude. _

“Yeah… Where’s that Froggit you were talking about?”


	4. A name?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hfjh more cheering up because it's what I like to write.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW abuse memory, not happy chapter, suicidal thoughts, selfharm stuff

_ *Cooooooooooooooome ooooooooooooooooooonn!!!!!!!!! I SWEAR the house was this was!!!! _

I’ve been wandering around the Ruins for quite a while now, the voice claiming that they knew where Toriel’s house was. “Well obviously… It’s not?”

There’s a sensation that gives me the feeling; if I could see the voice, they’d be rolling their eyes.

_ *Ok, let’s try… There? _

My attention is brought back to the worn path and I turn left instead of going straight. 

Entering into the next room, the first thing I see is a tree, all it’s leaves fallen to the ground around it’s roots. Then, with much relief, I hear Toriel:

“Oh, dear, that took longer than I thought…”

I watch as she comes around the tree, pulling out her phone, glancing up, she sees I and rushes over. “My child! How did you get here! Are you hurt?”

I had, in fact crossed paths with a few monsters, but I turned out to be good at dodging the “bullets”, so I had only gotten a few scrapes.

I show them to her, and her face softens a little. “There, there, I will heal you. I should not have left you alone for so long. It was irresponsible to try and surprise you like this. Err… I suppose I cannot hide it any longer. Come, small one!” She reaches out and takes Ir hand, leading me to a cute, tidy house. 

I stand and gawk at it, warmth filling my chest. It… It looks like… It's everything I’ve ever wanted. It looks like… A home.

Toriel looks down at me, “My child, are you coming?”

I wipe tears from the corner of my eyes, nodding.

_ *...This was my first real home too… _

I chose to ask later.

Oblivious, Toriel, smiling widely, asks, “Do I smell that? Surprise! It is a butterscotch-cinnamon pie! I thought we might celebrate your arrival. I want you to have a nice time living here. So I will hold off on snail pie tonight.”

_ *DO NOT ASK!!! _

“Here, I have another surprise for you!” 

She walks off down the hall and I follow, and for a second I think everything is gray and blue, the sharp clicking of high heels resonates in my head.

_ *Hey! Come on! This has GOT to be good, right? It’s Toriel! _

Yeah. Yeah, OK.

Toriel grabs my hand, startling me, “This is it! A room of your own. I hope you like it!”

I am standing in front of a yellow door, the knob dusty. It is not metal. It is not _ that _. I start to say thank you, but am interrupted, “... Do I smell something burning? Um, make yourself at home!” She rushes off, leaving me alone.

Alone.

Alone.

Alone.

A l on e…

  


_ “Let me out! Please! Mommy! Please, please, please, please…” My voice dissipates into sobs. It’s dark. Cold. The walls are falling in. I am going to die. I am going to die. I am going to die I am going to die I am going to dieIamgongtodiealone- _

_ “You can come out when you are a good girl! When you stop being such a fuckup! When you stop pretending you are a boy!” _

_ “I’m not!” I cry, “I’m…” _

_ “You are a girl!” _

_ “I’m just a… I don’t want...” _

_ “That is what I’m talking about! You will stay in there until you realize what a _ freak _ you are! The world doesn’t like what it doesn’t understand. It doesn’t understand freaks.” _

_ “Mom? Mom? Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy. Mommy…” _

_ Silence. _

_ “This is for your own good.” _

  


My hands are shaking.

_ *No wonder. _

I’m crying.

_ *... _

I’m sorry. I wish that I could have been a good little girl and kept my head down and that mommy loved me… but but but I am such a _ freak _ . She was right. I’m a _ freak. _Crazy. Weirdo. Abomination. Anomaly. Mutation. Queer. Eerie. Fag. Everything else. 

_ *Hey! You are not a freak! Look, I thought I was a freak too. My parents never even acknowledged me. I thought it was my fault, but it wasn’t, it WASN’T. It was theirs. There’s for not realizing how awesome I was, just like your mom, it looks. She doesn’t deserve to love you if she can’t accept you. _

_ *Let’s go into your room, OK? _

I stand, just hardly, and almost without doing it myself, open the door. Moving to the bed, I collapse on it in a cloud of dust.

“For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to disappear. Die.” I pull up my sleeve and hold my arm above my head, looking at the scars littering it. Tears well at the corner of my eyes. “And I- I tried a couple times, even, I- I tried to hang myself, and, and cut my wrists, if you can’t tell, and then I jumped down here and it didn’t work, it didn’t work, _ why didn’t it work? _ And I- I sudden have you! I don’t even know your name… And I, you’re the type of person who should be alive. And I don’t want to die, all of a sudden, but… I… Why. Why… Why me? Why can’t I just be dead?”

My nails dig into my skin. And I pull. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch Scratch.

It burns.

I’m crying. I hate it. I hate _ I _. 

_ *Please... _

“Shut up.”

_ *Look, I- I almost… I jumped down here to kill myself too, but I didn’t die. And I met- _

“SHUT UP!”

I sink my teeth into my skin and wish I’d died. I wish the fall killed me. I wish I were dead I wish I were dead I wish I were dead so so bad.

_ *You shut up! Didn’t anyone ever tell you to let dead kids lie? _

There’s blood on my hand and in my mouth and on my arms and I unclamp from my hand and drag them through my hair. Again. Again. Again. It pulls. Harder. Harder. Harder. It hurts.

_ Stop crying no one cares this is _ so _ stupid I don’t matter anyway breathe breathe breathe why aren’t I dead I should be dead I should be dead why aren’t I dead. _

I lurch to my feet. I can die. 

_ *I’m sorry. _

I can finish what I started. It would be so easy. 

_ *I’m sorry… Please don’t… Stay. Stay just a little longer? _

I don’t want to.

Vaguely, I see pale skin, red hair, red eyes.

_ *I know… I know… It’s ok... _

“I don’t wanna…”

*I know…

“Distract me! PLease please, please, please-”

*OK, OK, shhhhh. Shhh. Uh, I- Did I hear about the restaurant on the moon..? Great food, no atmosphere.

I stare at the floor.

*How many apples grow on a tree..? All of them.

I can’t help myself, I snort a little bit.

*Want to hear a joke about paper?

“Sure?” I manage.

*…Nevermind, it's tearable.

I burst into a fit of giggles and wipe my eyes. 

It wouldn’t last forever, but right now, it would do.

“Thank you…”

*Chara.

“What?”

*Chara. My name is Chara.


	5. Pretty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chara!! And death. sorry about that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW death, um other stuff maybe?????????

I wake up with blurry eyes and a dry throat.

The smell of something warm and sweet lures me up. Swinging my legs out of bed, I stand on the cold ground. Someone had taken my shoes off. 

The dark softly covers the room, making everything a dim blue. Spotting a lamp in the corner and head over, turning it on. 

As I turn to inspect the room, which I remember, with glee, is _ mine _, I hear:

_ *Heyyyyy. _

“Chara!”

_ *I woke up. Well, technically, I can’t sleep, but anyways I was BOREDDDDDDDDDDD! _

I smile, and look around the room. On the far wall from the lamp, the bed is crumpled and unmade and has stuffed animals at the foot, there’s a basket of toys on the floor by it, and a wardrobe, crossing too it, I find that it's empty. Next to it is a bookshelf with little knick-knacks in it rather than books. On top is a few loose papers, and an empty photo frame. It's really dusty. On the wall is a picture of a flower. Below it is a crate, which, I find, is filled with shoes. After that, I’m back to the lamp.

_ *Yeah, I was pretty bummed out too. _

“Hey, Chara?

_ *Mhm? _

“Can I…” _ Don’t don’t don’t dont don’t push stay to yourself, _“Can I ask I some… Questions?”

_ *I-I, uh, sure? _

“Just! So I, uh, kinda know you? Um… OK.” I go sit on the bed. “How old are you?”

_ *I’m!.. Uh… I fell when I was thirteen… _

There’s a quiet moment and then:

_ *I’m fifteen. I-I I’m dead, though. I don’t know how long that was. _

“You’re? Dead?”

_ *I-I… Yes. I think?... I don’t wanna talk about it. _

“That’s OK! I… Ok, how do you know Toriel, anyway?”

_ *She’s my Mom! Well… Not my real mom. I’m human. She’s… A… Goat? But! She was my Mom in every other aspect. Because my birth mom sucked. _

“I…”

A knock at the door interrupts, “My child? Are you awake?”

“Yes!”

Toriel enters, “I thought I heard you talking to someone…” She glances around the room.

“No, just me, mom.”

I freeze. What. Did I. Say? My face burns. “Sorry, sorry, sorry, I-I didn’t mean to, it won’t-”

“My child! Shhh, calm down! You may call me “Mom” if you want. Would that make you happy?”  


I sit and think. “Yes. Yes, it would.”

“Ok, my child. I think I like that too.”

There’s silence.   


“I have brought I something!”

She pulls a plate out from behind her. On it is a huge slice of pie.

“Wow.”

She hands it to you.

“Thanks?”

“You are welcome!”

Toriel smiles and leaves.

I stare at the pie. I’ll save it for later.

I stand and decided to go look around. “Chara?”

_ *Yeah? _

“Is there anything interesting here?”

_ *No. Everything was ‘child friendly’ and safe. Nothing sharp. I’d be willing to bet that it’s the same. _

I sigh. 

Leaving the room, I look around the hall. A couple crayons in a drawer, lots of flowers, a door that I suspect leads to Toriel’s room, a room that says, “Room Under Renovations" on the door, and a mirror. 

Not wanting to invade on privacy, I _ knew _ how that ended, a shiver of self-loathing spiking through I, I move to the mirror.

To find…

“Is that? Chara, is that you?”

Standing in the mirror is a teen girl, fourteen or fifteen, auburn hair, her skin pale, with a patch of freckles that covered her nose and rosy cheeks. Her face looks somehow odd, and, under further inspection, I notice two things at the same time. Her skin has patches of white, mainly around her eyes, and on the right side of her face, lips, and neck. And… Her eyes are red.

_ *Told you I thought I was a freak. Turns out, I just have, had, some sort of disease. _

“You’re pretty.”

The girl in the mirror’s face turns bright red. 

_ *Whatever. _

  
  


Life was good. In the few weeks I'd been with Toriel, I'd felt more at home then... at home. Sometimes it sucked. _I_ sucked. But, mostly, it was good.

And odd. Everything was so... odd. 

It was odd, having Chara in my head.

It was odd, having a mom who acted like a mom. And who was a goat.

It was odd, knowing that _ Monsters _were real, that I had fallen into their kingdom.

It was odd, as Chara pointed out, that no one was there.

When she had been alive, there had been many Monsters, but… The Ruins, true to it’s name, was a remnant, a wasteland, a ruined city. 

I asked Toriel about it. Once. 

I asked why I wasn’t allowed in the basement. Once.

Chara pressured me into asking about her. Once.

On each separate occasion, Toriel seemed more and more uncomfortable.

Now, standing in the doorway, looking at her, reading in her chair, I wonder why? Why is she so secretive? Why is she hiding? What happened to the rest of the Monsters? 

My hands are shaking.

“Mom?”

Continuing to read, she says, “Yes, my child?”

“Is there a way out of the ruins?”

She looks up sharply. In the harshest voice I’ve heard from her, she says. “I’m sorry, my child, but there is something I must do.”

What? 

_ *Follow her! _

I appreciate Chara’s enthusiasm, but I don’t think it’s the right time. Either way, I do as she says.

Entering the foyer, I look down the stairs to the basement. “I don’t feel good about this…”

_ *I have Mom’s pie, right? _

“Yeah…” 

_ *And that stick you’re weirdly attached too? _

“Mhm.”

_ *Go Save. _

That’s what I’d been calling those stars of light. They were Save Points, and when I touched it, I Saved. It was a weird, childish ritual, but I _was_ a child sooo...

I did as Chara said and then went downstairs.

It was dark, eerie. “Mom?” I call out.

“I wish to leave the Ruins, do you not? Ahead of us lies the end of the Ruins. A one-way exit to the rest of the Underground. I am going to destroy it. No one will ever be able to leave again. Now be a good child and go upstairs.”

It takes everything I have to run after her.

“Mom!”

“I have seen it again and again. They come. They leave. They die. You naive child… If I leave to Ruins. They… _ Asgore… _Will kill you. I am only protecting you, do you understand? Go to your room.”

_ *Please _ . _ Keep going… _

I do as she says. 

“Do not try to stop me. This is your final warning.”

“Mom!”

I run after her into the dark hallway.

Entering the next room, I see my Mother stopped in front of a door. 

“I want to leave so badly? Hmph. Prove yourself.” She turns around to face . “Prove to me you can survive.”

It's like what happened with Flowey, my vision blurs, darkens. My chest pulls, and then, there’s a heart floating above my chest.

“Mom? I… I’ve been with you almost a month! I just want answers!”

She does not answer. Instead, she holds out her palms and fire bursts to life.

_ *Oh no. No, no, no no. _

She… I’m not sure what’s happening. She throws the fire at me and it multiplies and they’re coming toward me and I dodge the first one, but the rest hit me and it hurts, it hurts, my arms burn and I say again, “Mom, please!” but she doesn’t react and there is more fire and it burns it burns it burns and-

Dark. 

Falling. 

Pain.

This is it. 

Now that my wish is coming true…

I realize dying is worse than I thought.

But at least I won’t have to suffer any-

** _You cannot give up just yet… Chara! Stay determined…_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you may have noticed in the middle my discription of Chara! I think she has vertiligo, which causes her eyes to be red. Also, she is female, so if anyone ever comments, don't get on me about that.


	6. Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Death. Another death. Then.. no death, and snow.
> 
> (Short chapter)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Murder, revenge, regret, guilt, ;p sorry

Screaming. 

Pain. 

Fear.

F

a 

l

l

  
  
  


i

  
  


n

g

.

.

.

_ Thud. _

I’m on my knees, gasping, sobbing.

_ *Frisk? Frisk! FRISK! _

I can’t breathe I can’t breathe I should be dead I should be dead why aren’t I dead-

_ *I’m gonna kill her, I am gonna kill her. _

I stand, but it’s not me, it's not me,  _ it's not me _ .

“Chara please, please, please! Calm down!”

_ *Calm down? Calm down?! She- She MURDERED you! _

“I’m alive aren’t I?”   
  


_ *She killed you. She KILLED you! I’m gonna kill her. _

“No, no, please, she didn’t mean it!”

I’m storming down the stairs and it’s not me and I’m trying to drag my feet but it isn’t working and my hands are shaking and-

“You wish to leave the Ruins, do you not?” 

I’m shaking. 

“Ahead of us lies the end of the Ruins. A one-way exit to the rest of the Underground. I am going to destroy it. No one will ever be able to leave again. Now be a good child and go upstairs.”

It's not me.

“I have seen it again and again. They come. They leave. They die. you naive child… If you leave to Ruins. They…  _ Asgore…  _ Will kill you. I am only protecting you, do you understand? Go to your room.”

_ Please, Chara please don’t kill her, please, please! _

“Do not try to stop me. This is your final warning.”

_ Chara…  _

“You want to leave so badly? Hmph. Prove yourself.” She turns around to face me. “Prove to me you can survive.”

I’m being sucked down a drain it's not me it’s not me, it’s not me. My hands shake, my heart pounds, my skin burns, the stick is rough in my hands, and and and and and-

Dust.

Dust.

Dust.

Dust?

“Chara?”

It's me again.

_ *I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I was mad, I- I- I’m so sorry… _

I’ll go back. I have to go back. I have to-

Falling-

I gasp and turn, retching into the leaves next to me. Breathe. Breathe.

In a haze, I stand and retrace my steps once again. 

Taking to mom, fighting mom, sparing her…

Alone. 

Alone. 

Alone.

  
  


A l o ne...

The hallway is long, and at the end, Flowey smiles wickedly at me and says I’m giving in and I’m horrible and he’s right, he’s  _ right _ , and then I walk on and it's dark and then…

Snow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hah i don't know why i thought this necessary but.... owo? 
> 
> Comment if ya like, it really motivates me, so


	7. welp.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A certain skeleton finds our protagonist and he is irresponsible and then the protagonist dies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: like everything i'm sorry, death, suicidal thoughts, suicide, implied/referenced murder, implied/referenced sexual abuse, underage drinking, hot dog cruelty

**** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** ****

Snow.

Light, fluffy, drifts of snow that coat the ground and conceal everything underneath. I’m sitting in it and trying to breathe and Chara is  _ not helping _ , and I’m crying and my arms burns and I want to go back, I want to stay with Mom, and live and be happy but I can’t I  _ can’t _ my head is in my hands and I want to die, I want to die  _ I want to die _ breathe breathe breathe there’s a rope, I’m bleeding, bleeding, the turtleneck doesn’t hide it, it never does, I’m broken, broken, Chara is not helping, Chara, Chara, oh, Chara, please, please, please,  _ please- _

Something’s crunching through the snow and I’m covering my head they’re going to hit me, they’re going to hit me breathe breathe breathe  _ breathe  _ I can’t breathe I can’t breathe I can’t breathe, and and and-

“holy shit, kid, what happened to you?”

I’m covering my head and-

_ *Fuck. _

“come on, kiddo, let’s get you... shit what do i do?”   
  


I’m breathing hard, and I try to stand, stumbling against the hard cold, unmoving door to the ruins behind me. 

“hey, hey, i won’t hurt you, i promise.”

He’s got me cornered, against a wall, my back cold, my face warm.

_ He’s leaning in and whispering into my ear. Words someone my age shouldn’t hear. His hands wander, places that should be left alone, makes me sweaty and hot and uncomfortable, so uncomfortable and crying, and he slaps me, I can’t cry, I can’t cry, I’m a good girl right? His good little girl. _

_ My mom walks in and yells at him and he backs away from me, hands up.  _

_ Breathe... breathe… he’s gone. _

Breathe... breathe… He’s gone.

_ He’s gone. _

I knew that better than anyone.

_ Red red red red red red red- _

Sitting on the path, eyes red, staring into space, with a very awkward  _ someone _ standing in front of me. 

“are... are you… ok?”

I look up at him, and shriek. Because. He’s. A skeleton?

“um…”

I stop screaming and stare. His head- skull? Is slightly larger than normal, and his eye sockets are dark and deep and have glowing orbs, I can only assume are pupils in the center, fixated on me. 

I scan him again, taking in his opened blue jacket, black shorts, bunny slippers?

I stare at his bunny slippers. 

“i- are you hungry? let’s- i’ll- do you want food? uh…”

I can feel it this time, the shift, as Chara takes control of my body. And gladly, I let her. 

“Sure.” She- I? Stand and follow him.

“uh... there’s an easier way to do this? if, um, i can touch you? only for a second.”

I- Chara hestates, then holds out her arm.

“Just get it over with, trash bag.” Her voice is quiet, and dull.

The skeleton doesn’t show any sign that he heard, though his eyes flick over toward her. Us. He reaches out and touches her forearm.

Dark dark dark twisting changing moving falling dark-

Light. It changes. 

The snow is gone. The atmosphere is warm, and a second dots pop in my vision. Chara follows the skeleton across the room. My brain barely takes in the information. 

Chara sits down on a couch and fiddles with her hands. 

“so... what’s wrong?”

I can feel a rush of emotion, that’s not mine, and it’s- so crushing. Dehumanizing. Regretful. Pain and fear and regret. 

_ Do you wanna talk to him?  _ Chara thought at me.

I didn’t respond. 

_ Hey. Hey! _

“kid?”

Chara sighed and put her head in her hands. My head in my hands. 

“if you don’t want- i don’t know why i brought you here.” 

_ *I just… _

“I’m tired of… ruining everything. There’s something wrong with me, and everything that’s  _ good  _ in my life, that actually makes me  _ happy _ or or  _ content _ , I ruin it somehow. I just want it to stop. I want it to go away.  _ I _ want to go away.”

He’s really quiet, then gets, up, and I can hear rustling from another room. When he comes back he’s holding a hot dog, swimming in ketchup, and two drinks. I vaguely recognize it as alcoholic.

“sorry,” he says, gesturing at the drowning hot dog with a drink, “the cap came off.”

Chara jumps in, saving me, and taking both the drink and plate. “It’s fine, thanks.”

The skeleton sits down next to us, and fiddles with the tab of his drink.

Chara sticks her finger in the ketchup and tries to extract the hot dog. When she realizes it’s probably useless, she licks her finger off and pops the tab of the drink, taking a sip. Her face scrunches up as I recognize beer.

She twirls the can as the skeleton does the same. “you’ve probably never had beer, so you have an excuse.” He laughs- dryly- “i never got used to it.”

Chara stares. 

“the taste? we both- nevermind...” He trails off.

_ That’s gross. _

* _ Mhm. _ I push forward into control, and bring the drink back up to my lips.

* _ Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww- _

The drink is like acid against my throat, burning, but the second swallow is easier and the slight flavor sneaks through.

I set the drink down on the floor by my feet. 

“What about you? Why would you help a stranger?” 

“you- what? i- just thought you needed help. i don’t know.”

I finish the drink, then motion at his, “Are you going to drink that?” He handed it over. I downed it. 

I breathed out heavy and hard. 

“You can’t stop me.”

He stared at his hands. “i guess i can’t.”

“Bye.”

“see ya later, kid.”

I left. And then Chara began to yell at me. 

* _ What are you doing? _

_ What needs to be done.  _

_ *I’m a part of this too, now! You- You- can’t just!  _

_ It’s my body.  _

I walked back. All the way, back to the shut door to the ruins, or at least until I find myself standing at the edge of a chasm, lond, dark, empty void, and it's got to be a long long long way down.

_ *Please, no, no, no no no no I’m so sorry, please, don’t, please- _

I scrunch my eyes shut. “It’s not your fault. I’m sorry I’m dragging you along. I’m sorry I’m a mess. I’m sorry you had to deal with me this long.”

I breathe and lean out and then someone grabs my arm and I hiss and pull away and then I’m falling, falling falling falling down down down down.

** _Don’t lose hope! Chara… Stay determined!_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. I- don't know why all my stuff is like this.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know any more. Just be careful as you read, I like to touch in with alllll the touchy subjects.

F

a

l

g l

n 

i

i

can’t

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


t

h

i

n

k

_ I want to die I want to die I want to die I wan to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I wanttodie iwanttodieiwantodieiwantodieiwanteverythingtostopstopstopstopiwanttostopiwanttodieiwanttodieiwanttodieiwant- _

*HEY!

I manage to breathe, take just one, and then 

I hear her.

*Breathe, that’s right, breathe.

Tears escape my eyes, and I want my mom, from when I was younger, and she would hold me, and when was the last time I was touched with kindness, to comfort?

Someone’s holding me, and I can feel breath on my skin and the warmth of her hands the brush of her hair on my face as she leans over me, breathe, breath. Breathe… Breathe…

*Good, you’re so good, breathe…

“Chara?”

*Yes?

I open my eyes and look up at the round face, and blotchy skin, red eyes and red hair and soft lips and I reach up touch her cheek, “How are you here?”

*What?

I slide my hand back and run my fingers through her hair, trail my hand to her shoulders and arms and, “You’re dead?” 

The moment I say that, the contact ceases, and my arm goes through her for a split second before she disappears.

“Chara? Chara!” I jump to my feet, and look around wildly, trying to find her.

_ *Shh, I’m still here. I just…  _

“No, no, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything, you’re gone now, I’m sorry.”

I stand there in silence for a minute.

_ *Are you ok? _

“I… I don’t know.” 

I walk on, stepping through the snow, making my way over a very big stick, through a big clump of trees-

CRACK!

I jump, whirl, but there’s nothing there. I’m alone, but for Chara, and- And that branch I stepped over? It’s in pieces. Breathe. Breathe. OK. This is OK. Calm. Calm.

I continue, freezing when I hear someone walking loudly in the snow behind me. Don’t turn around. Not real. Not real. No one’s there. No one. I am fine. 

A poorly made gate stands in my way, but before I can cross a bridge spanning a huge gap in the ground- my stomach lurches because my crumpled, dead body, is supposed to be at the bottom- there’s more footsteps. I’m shaking.

“ **h u m a n** . don’t you know how to greet a new pal? turn around and shake my hand.”

I turn and, for whatever reason, shake its hand and 

Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffthhhhhhhhhhhhpssssssssssthhthfff….

I can’t help myself, I burst into giggles.

“heheh... the old whoopee cushion in the hands trick. it's ALWAYS funny.”

I stare. It's… It can’t…

“anyway, you’re a human, right? that’s hilarious.”

Breathe. Breathe.

“i’m sans. sans the skeleton. i’m actually supposed to be on watch for humans right now… but… y’know… i don’t really care about capturing anybody. now, my brother, papyrus, he’s a human-hunting FANATIC.”

My stomach churns.

“hey, actually, i think that’s him over there. i have an idea. go through this gate thingy.”

I internally panic, but do as he says. 

“quick, behind that conveniently shaped lamp.”

I look at him, and he gestures at it. 

  1. I’ll go behind the conveniently shaped lamp. Sure.

_ *I hate this smiley trash bag. _

_ You know him? And- and before? _

_ *Know him! He was practically my uncle! He and that brother of his came over all the time!!!! And before, I dunno, I guess I didn’t want to freak you out? _

“sup’ bro.”

“YOU KNOW WHAT ‘SUP’, BROTHER! IT'S BEEN  _ EIGHT DAYS _ AND YOU  _ STILL _ HAVEN’T RECALIBRATED!! YOUR!!! PUZZLES!!! YOU JUST HANG AROUND OUTSIDE YOUR STATION!”

I giggle and whisper to Chara, _ I like him. Reminds me of you. _

_ *WHAT!? I am NOTHING like him! Much more composed! _

_ Suuuuuuuuuuuure. _

“WHAT DO YOU EVEN DO!?”

“i’m staring at this lamp. it’s really cool. wanna look?”

I blanch. Sans was practically handing our hiding spot over. And though I immediately like Sans’ brother, ‘human-hunt FANATIC’ still resides in my brain.

“NO! I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THAT! WHAT IF A HUMAN COMES THROUGH HERE!?! I WANT TO BE READY!!! I WILL BE THE ONE! I MUST BE THE ONE! I WILL CAPTURE A HUMAN! THEN I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS…”

“papyrus…”

“WILL GET ALL THE THINGS I UTTERLY DESERVE! 

“RESPECT… RECOGNITION… I WILL FINALLY BE ABLE TO JOIN THE ROYAL GUARD! PEOPLE WILL ASK TO BE MY… “FRIEND”? I WILL BATHE IN A SHOWER OF KISSES EVERY MORNING.”

“hmm... maybe this lamp will help you?”

  
  


“SANS! YOU ARE NOT HELPING!! YOU LAZYBONES!!! ALL YOU DO IS SIT AND BOONDOOGLE! YOU GET LAZIER AND LAZIER EVERY DAY!”

“hey, take it easy. i’ve gotten a  _ ton _ of work done. a skele- _ ton!” _

“SANS!!!!!!!”

“come on. you’re smiling.”

“I AM AND I HATE IT! SIGH…”

_ He literally said, ‘sigh’! _

_ *I know, he’s so weird. _

_ I love him! _

“WHY DOES SOMEONE AS GREAT AS ME HAVE TO DO SO MUCH TO GET SOME RECOGNITION..?”

“wow. sounds like you’re really working yourself… down to the  _ bone _ .”

“UGHHHHHH! I WILL ATTEND TO MY PUZZLES. AS FOR YOU… PUT A LITTLE MORE…  _ BACKBONE  _ INTO IT!!!! NYEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!”

He saunters off.

Then ducks back. “NYEH!”

I come out from behind the lamp. 

“i outta get going. he might come back. and if he does… I’ll have to sit through more of my hilarious puns!..”

I start to leave, and turn back to ask a question, but… 

He’s gone. 

“Chara, what?”

Silence.

“Chara? Chara! CHARA!”

Breathe. Breathe. It’s fine. She’ll come back. She won’t stay quiet forever. It’s selfish to rely on her so much. Breathe. She’s  _ dead _ why do I rely on her so much, I’m so selfish, so, so breathe breathe breathe. Breathe… Breathe…

B r e  a t h  e…

_ I’m alone. So very alone. I ran away a couple days ago and had seen on TV me “worried” parents begging for me to come home. But I can’t. They’ll kill me for sure. _

_ I’m sitting on a branch high up in a tree, trying to tie a noose in a length of rope tied to the tree. It isn’t working. With shaky hands and teary eyes, it’s kinda hard to be coordinated.  _

_ When at last I’ve finished, it’s still hard to stand. To put the loop around my neck. To will myself to step off. And then… _

_ CRACK!!! _

_ It’s just about the loudest thing I’ve ever heard and there’s a rope it’s tight it’s so so so tight why could I have picked a sturdier branch! I weighed nothing, I should be dead. I should be dead. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. It’s tight, so so so tight and I can’t breathe, and and and-  _

_ There’s another crack loud- loud loud loud loud, and I fall fall fall, hit the ground hard and writhe and scream. I want to die I want to die. I want to die. I. Want. To. Die.  _

“HUMAN? ARE YOU ALRIGHT?”

“Nonononono stop please, please, please don’t hurt me…”

“HUMAN? I WON’T HURT YOU! Why would you ever think that..? DO NOT FEAR! THE GREAT PAPYRUS WILL HELP YOU!”

I unclench my hands from my hair; looking up at him with pathetic eyes, - _ pathetic that’s all I am pathetic pitiful selfish horrible anomaly abomination disaster fag waste freak freak freak - _ I stare-  _ empty dead dead why aren’t I dead? dead dead dead-  _ at his welcoming face.

“How do you think you’re going to do that?”

He was silent. Then, “Well.. I am an excellent listener. If… you wanted to talk? Or… I could take you to my home? Get you a nice cream?”

“No. No, I just wanna be alone.” I wipe my nose and look away.

“Human. I… My brother has nightmares all the time. And everytime, he says he he wants to be alone. He doesn’t. So… I can just sit here.”

I don’t say anything and he stays.

“I- I just… I wish everything was OK and I was OK and  _ normal _ and,” My voice breaks and I’m crying again. “I wanna disappear. I wanna go away where I can’t hurt anyone and I can’t ruin anyone else’s life, but the universe hates me so I can’t, and I’ve tried and tried and no one cares and no one cares no one ever cares and I just wanna… I wanna die.”

I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I cant breath I cannot breathe I cannot breath I cant breathe IcantbreatheIcannotbreathebreathebreathebreathe-

“BREATHE! PLEASE! BREATHE!”

“SHUT UP!”

I snap back and cover my mouth, that wasn’t me. In front of me, hardly there, slightly see through, I see a green sweater with a yellow stripe and red hair and,

“GO AWAY, PAPYRUS! You’re not helping. You’re not helping, so figure out how to do that or  _ fuck off _ .”

“Sorry, sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean it, sorry, sorry, sorry sorry sorry, please, please, please, don’t don’t! Don’t hurt me…”

Papyrus is standing, staring down at I. “Please, stay. I’ll be back in a bit. I’m bringing help.”

“I don’t need… I don’t wanna… I don’t need help…”

He’s gone.

I stare at a bootprint left in the snowy ground.

“Chara…”

_ *Yes? _

I shut my eyes, frustrated. “He only wanted to help!”

_ *WELL HE FUCKING SUCKED AT IT! It was OBVIOUSLY bothering you! It just! He was yelling. I’m here too, you know! I don’t like yelling.  _

“And I get that! But you can’t just-”

*Don’t you DARE tell me what I can and can’t do. 

The threat in Chara’s voice made I scared.

*You can ruin your own life, do WHAT-FUCKING-EVER you want, but,  _ don’t you DARE _ tell me what I can’t do. Go suck your own dick, just don’t tell me I can’t suck mine. 

Chara had materialized in front of me, looming, looking down on me, sprawled on the ground, and even if I’d been standing, she would have been a good foot taller than me. 

*Don’t you  _ dare _ .

She knelt down and poked her finger in my chest and it burned and oh gosh I wished so bad I had my binder, and-

“Then get your own body, because this one is  _ mine _ and- and- I- I-”

*“ _ -I-I-I can’t come up with good comebacks _ ,” well I’m DEAD! you expect me to just WHAT? RETRIEVE MY ROTTING CORPSE? BECAUSE I’D BE GLAD TO DO THAT!

“YEAH? GOOD! MAYBE THEN I’LL BE ABLE TO THINK, MAYBE I’LL BE ABLE TO BE FREE OF YOU!”

Silence. The looming figure flickered, and paled but didn’t go away. She seemed to glitch for a second, then feel to her knees.

“Chara? Chara, oh, I’m so sorry, Chara! I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry, come’re, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…”

I scoot over and wrap my arms around the figure. It’s odd and cobweb-y but I hope she can feel it.

“Chara, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. I never even should have gotten mad at you. I were in the right, you have boundaries too, and he overstepped them and you had a right to react however and I-”

_*S H U _ _T _ _ UP!_

I jerk back as she looks up at me and oh my  _ god _ , there’s- Her  _ face _ , her mouth in a odd smile, her eyes empty sockets, and black goop oozing out of- it’s running down her face, dripping onto her sweater, oh god oh god oh my fucking  _ god _ . 

I start to scramble away but force myself to stop.

*L E A VE ME A L O NE…

“Chara, please, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!”

She is solid again and stands, facing away.

I follow suit and look her back. Then step forward and hug her from behind. “I’m really sorry, Chara.”

I feel her body shake as she begins to sob. She turns toward me and leans into my shoulder and cries. 

“Hey, hey, it’s OK, it’s OK, let it out. Let it out…”

*My parents… They thought I was a demon that replaced their daughter. When my eyes lost their pigment. And turned red.

Her voice was shaky, and slowly, I lower both of us to the ground.

*At first they tried to get it out of me. Burning. Drowning. They even had a priest come and scream at me, and when it didn’t work, they gave up. Treated me like what I was. A demon. I would come when call and stay out of sight every other time. I hated it. I  _ hate  _ them. 

*When I finally ran away, and told authorities, they put me in an orphanage and… I was… 

She choked.

“It’s OK. Shhh, you don’t have to tell me if I don’t want to.”

*They… They  _ used  _ me… Took away my freedom. I had to be- per- or they would… Lock me up. In the basement. Alone. For hours. And days. A week once. No food. I- I ran away. Don’t know why but I thought I could hide out on the mountain. I found the cave. Tripped. Fell… 

“Shh, they can’t hurt you now. You’re down here, with me. You’re safe. You’re safe. Shhh.”

Chara collapses into me, her little cries almost silent. 

I kiss the top of her head and let her cry. And try not to think about the fact she’s wiping black goo all over my sweater. Or that she’s dead. Right now… I just… I don’t know what I feel, but it’s warm and calming and safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hah thanks for reading, comment if ya want, I'm always welcome to criticism, unless it's rude, so ye


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UMMMMM fluff/comfort. Also it's a short one.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I want to help, I need help. I… I want to help Chara but it’s so so so crushing because I need help and she’s dead and my head hurts and I’m trying not to cry and regret and-

_*Hey._

I try to take a breath so I can respond but it turns into a sob and breathe breathe.

_*Hey… It’s OK. I don’t need you to help me. It’s OK. You’re right. I’m dead. It doesn’t matter._

I and Chara are at an Inn in Snowdin. I’d walked there after Chara calmed down and had seen the place. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d slept, and had tried to rest for a bit. It wasn’t working.

“No! It does matter! Ev-even if you’re dead, you still have a- you still matter! It still matters! You should be brought to-”

_*What about you? The people who did this to me are… Probably dead too. You just fell. Your parents can still be convicted! _

I fall silent. 

_*I fell… I think I fell in May? 1963.” _

“It’s… 2019… Which means! I might still be able to- It’s in living memory! The police might be able to do something!”

Chara doesn’t respond.

“Chara?”

_*It’s just… I’ve been… I’ve been dead 54 years. I DIED before you were even born and… I… We just met… And I- I’m old enough to be your grandmother! _

There’s an empty, hollow laugh.

_*I’m such an idiot!_

“Chara?”

I wish she’d appear so I could look at her while I talk. Nothing happens.

_*I’m probably being clingy, and stupid. I’m sorry, I… sorry._

_“_Chara_?”_

*Yes?

“Don’t worry about it, OK? Whatever it is, surely it can’t be that bad!” She’s suddenly on the bed in front of me and her eyes are a little puffy and I want to hug her but don’t want to do it without permission and don’t want to ask.

*I… 

She looks up from her hands, meeting my eyes. She leans forward and I can feel her breath on my face… Why does she need to breath? She’s de-

Her lips touch mine. They’re chapped. Her hand run though my hair. I can’t move. I can’t react. I want to. I want to hold her, protect her, _save_ her, but I can’t and it’s so overwhelming but I love it I love-

Pulling away, pressing her forehead to mine she starts to talk.

*We just met and I’ve never even _liked_ anyone like this before, I don’t even like people in general, and I don’t even know what I’m doing and we’re literally sharing your head space and that’s so weird and I’m dead, I’m _dead_, and I-

I kiss her back. “That’s ok! It’s OK, Chara! I just want I to be happy. I… I just want I to be happy. I just want things to be OK. I just want everything not to be a mess, everything’s such a mess, and I can’t go five _seconds_ without crying, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

My arms around her and she’s “shh”ing me and I’m trying not to sob and it’s safe. It feels safe. I’m safe. 

I laugh into her shoulder.

*Um?

“Yeah?”

*... Nevermind. Can we just… Can we sleep? Together? 

The thought makes my face burn and I begin to stammer, but she cuts me off.

*Not like that, Frisk! You perv! But… Like this?

“Yeah.”

She smiles. “Good.”

And it’s safe. I’m safe. She makes me feel safe. 

I’m safe… 

Finally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :P


	10. Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chara has an idea. Our protagonist sees what they can do. Sans knows something they don't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: past Child abuse um nothing? it's kinda a transition chapter

_I’m cold. It’s cold. I need help. Why isn’t anyone helping? _

_I reach for my mother’s hand but she slaps it away._

_She’s shouting. There’s shouting. There’s _always_ shouting. _

_Slowly, I try to back away. I think that maybe, maybe, _maybe_ if I’m quiet and slow I can get away before I’m dragged into it._

_I’m wrong. My father storms across the room, making my mother flinch and back away, but he doesn’t touch her. His fingers close around my arm and he drags me over to my mother shouting _shouting shouting_._

_“If you had even tried to discipline her-”_

_“-it’s your fault! You’re the one putting your hands where they don’t belong!”_

_“I NEVER EVEN WANTED KIDS!”_

_“Stop crying! What do you have to cry about?” _

_I’m thrown against a wall, and I try to scramble away, but I’m grabbed by the collar and shouting shouting _shouting shouting_. _

_I gasp for air, I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, “Look at her! Pathetic! I never even wanted her.”_

_I never even wanted her. I never even wanted her. _I never even wanted her. I never even-

*Hey? You OK?

I’m pulled out of my thoughts, nearly making me gasp.

*Do you think we can actually leave?

“Leave?”

*That’s… That’s what we’re doing right? Leaving the underground?

“Oh. Oh. Um, I don’t know. It kinda seems pointless, I know? I- Unless you want to go, I have nothing up there. I don’t have anything to live for. That’s…”

*Yeah… But what if you could set everyone free?

“Like… Let the monsters out of the Underground?”

*Yeah! Ok, so there’s this old legend that- wait, do I… No, OK, so the monsters are stuck here by this magical barrier that seven old mages made. I know. A really long time ago. And so the only way to break it is with the power of seven human souls. Your heart remember?

“Mhuh.” I look up at her, floating a few feet off the ground moving her hands dramatically as she talks.

*SO! What if we tried to let everyone out? 

“But… How?”

*... Mom said that there were others… Maybe… We could break it together.

“Chara… Even if there were others, I don’t think that they’d be alive.”

*Yeah…

She went quiet, and dropped back to the ground.

*We could try?

She stepped over to me, wringing her hands.

*They aren’t bad. They aren’t. They deserve to live freely. They’re kind and- and- it’s not their fault they’re here. We have the opportunity to let them go. We have to.

I stared at my hands. Shut my eyes. “Ok.”

*Thank you.

“Let’s- we’d have to appeal to the king, so… Let’s go do that?”

*Thank you.

She opens her arms for a hug, and I lean into her. Try to. It’s an odd sensation, hugging a ghost. I don’t mind. She means well.

“I guess we… We’ll need help.”

“help with what?”

“What!?” Startled, I jump, and whirl around to face the voice.

It’s Sans.

“what do you need help with?”

I glance over my shoulder, finding Chara gone.

“Um…”

“yes?” He took a step towards us- me, and. I- his pupils were gone.

“You’re- You’re, um, Monsters, are stuck here. Right?”

He looks taken-aback. “yeah, i guess so.”

“What if I could… you know. Set you free?”

He looks off to the side. “you already can.”

“What? How?”

He ignores me. “but then- they wouldn’t listen, she’d… you’d just end up…” He sighs.

“can’t help ya, kiddo. sorry.”

“Wait!”

He was walking away. Leaving. And I didn’t know what I was supposed to do! Suddenly there was an uncanny likeness to school.

To everything.

It was happening again. I didn’t know what was expected of me, let alone how to do it and it was going to ruin everything.

“Wait... I want to help.”

He stopped but didn’t turn towards me. “you. can’t.”

“Yes, I can! I know about the barrier! I can break it!”

He was silent. “it’s too dangerous,” sighs, “but it’s your choice. find undyne, ask her.”

“Who’s Undyne?” He ignores me and keeps walking. I sigh look back where Chara had been. “Who’s Undyne?”

“UNDYNE? WELL, HUMAN, SHE WELL, HUMAN, SHE IS THE GREAT LEADER OF THE ROYAL GUARD!”

“You know her?”

“KNOW HER? SHE’S A GREAT FRIEND OF MINE!”

“Can… I talk to her?”

“I- UM… WHY DON’T YOU COME WITH ME?”

He leads us- me -over to the house and opens the door. “ARE YOU COMING HUMAN?”

Suddenly this feels wrong. But everything feels wrong to me. It’ll be ok.

_Right?_

_*… R- Right._

“Yeah. I’m coming.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :p thanks for reading, leave a comment idc... that's a lie, i love comments, bye noowwwwwwwwww


	11. helping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Again.
> 
> Again.
> 
> Again.
> 
> Why can't I just die?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: death. uh. lots of death. that's kinda it. Implied self harm
> 
> i love how i write this, but don't remember it enough to tag trigger warnings. great job me!

Papyrus takes me inside and sits me down on the couch. Then he pulls out a phone and dials a number. He then proceeds to whisper-yell into it. I’d feel sorry for him, everyone hearing his conversation, if he weren’t whisper-yelling about me.

“UNDYNE! HELLO! Oh, um, yes that’s what I called about! I have captured the human! No, no, they’re right here! No… YES! OF COURSE! No… Well- they… they want to talk to you. You want me to take the human to you? Of course. Yes, I’m on my way.”

His smile was… Huge. “HUMAN! UNDYNE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU RIGHT AWAY! WE’LL LEAVE NOW!”

I stand up, remembering the words, “human hunting FANATIC”, and the word, “captured”.

“Uhhh… Where are we going?”

“TO THE CASTLE! UNDYNE HAS SET UP A FORMAL HEARING FOR YOU. THE KING, AND ROYAL SCIENTIST WILL BE THERE! LET’S GO!”

I follow him, dread building in my gut. We leave Snowdin, and due his narration, “WE HAVE ENTERED WATERFALL!” We bypass puzzles, and people, Papyrus, seemingly very focused. Finally, we got to Hotland, as proclaimed by a huge sign that read, “WELCOME TO HOTLAND”. It was… Hot. But it didn’t take long for us to reach our destination.

“THIS IS THE ROYAL SCIENTIST’S LAB. SHE’S GOING TO TAKE US TO THE KING.”

*_It’ll be fine. He’s nice. _

I wanted to hold her hand.

Papyrus knocked on the door, and almost before he did, it opened. Revealing… What I assume was the Royal Scientist. Just taller than me, golden-yellow, and scale-y, dressed in a lab-coat, the creature, stammered, “Pap- Papyrus! Right t-this way.”

She stares at us- me as I walk by, and I feel the urge to shrink behind someone.

She takes us through a main room into a hallway, and fiddles with a door key pad, which opens, and reveals a decrepit elevator. She beckons us in and presses one of the buttons. It rattles, then rushes upward at a breakneck speed. Coming to a jerky stop, the door opens again with a ping.

The hallways she leads us through after that become a maze and I quickly forget the way we came.

Papyrus grows more and more quiet through out our trip, only responding to little questions the Royal Scientist ask, and when we reach a vividly golden room, checkered, with gold columns, his entire demeanor seems to deflate.

At halfway, Sans appears- almost literally -from behind one of the pillars.

When he speaks, it’s low and resigned, “i’ll take the kiddo from here.”

“Sans?” It’s the first time I’ve spoken, and the Royal Scientist stares at me even harder.

He ignores me and reaches out to grab my upper arm.

We walk the rest of the way like this, into a stark transition, where I see a floaty star thing (and touch it), then… A room with flowers. Someone in armor. And… a throne. And someone very similar to Toriel. Dressed in armor and lapels, a cape set off his shoulders. He was taller, with bigger, longer horns, and a golden beard.

He wore a crown.

He stood in front of the throne, eyes down, on the flowers at his feet. Despite… Everything! That screamed “big and scary and threatening”, the only emotion I could see in his posture was regret.

*_That’s him. _

I can feel her smile.

*_He’s the king. Asgore Dreemurr. My dad._

_Meeting your dad? Geez, I didn’t know we were serious!_

I hear her laughter in my head.

Our conversation is interrupted.

“your majesty?”

As if snapped from a trance, he fixes his posture, and looks me right in the eye.

I’m frozen. What do I do? I didn’t expect everything to go so fast!

“I so badly want to say, “would you like a cup of tea?” But… It can’t be that way.”

I hear the sound of magic forming, and my heart clenches. From beneath his cape, he pulls, or summons, a long trident, made with a reddish-hued metal. I lurch my arm up and away from Sans, but he holds on strong.

“papyrus.” His voice is so stern, I can feel myself impulsively come to attention, but I stop, I need to get away, I need to get away!

“Sans…” Papyrus twists his hands, he’s the quietest I’ve ever heard. “Isn’t there another way? They… Just wanted to help.”

“they are helping.”

Papyrus looks down, and leaves the room, his footsteps loud, as I begin to panic more and more.

The door shuts loudly behind him, and it’s almost like a switch, for me, and the unintroduced armor-clad figure, who I’d assumed was Undyne.

She summons a spear and throws it at me, just and I execute my signature move for getting out of holds. I drop to the ground and kick, as the spear flies over me and embeds itself into the wall behind me.

I scramble away like a crab, hit the wall, stand up and try and plan a way out. They seem to think I’ll go towards the door we came through, and I don’t have anywhere to go-

*_In the back. There’s a doorway, doesn’t have a door._

I make a run for it as more spears are sent my way-

There’s a line of bones, popping up in front of me, blocking the door, I stumble back, panic, panic, I’m trapped I’m stuck I’m going to die I’m going to die I’m going to dieI’mgoingtodie…

…Pain. Through my middle. Bone, through my middle. Blood, dripping onto the ground, I can feel it coming, even as the bone disappears and I’m on my hands and knees.

Why couldn’t it be over, why couldn’t I just die, I just want to die die die die die

diediediediediediediediedie

d

i

e

** _Don’t lose hope! Chara… Stay determined!_ **

I’m back and Sans has my arm, and I panic, and pull away, his fingers slip, I’m stumbling back through the door Papyrus so so confused the Royal Scientist steps forward, but I stop.

Shut my eyes. When I open them Sans is there, “kiddo, it’s gonna be alright. it’s just a talk.”

“No. No! Just get it over with! Kill me!”

He stares.

“You need my soul- Argg!” I storm into the throne room and threw out my arms. “Here I am! Prime for the taking.” I turn towards Sans. “Just. Kill. Me.”

There’s a whistling sound, and something hits me in the chest, hard. Sharp. Again. Again. Again.

The magical spears fade, leaving me with a bloody, gory, hideous hole. I shut my eyes and

w

a

i

t

** _Don’t lose hope! Chara… Stay determined!_ **

** **

“No! Nononono!”

I’m running, I’m on the floor in front of the armor-clad figure, I’m begging, begging for my life, for it to end.

She takes an initial step back, but complies with my wish.

Again.

Again.

Again.

I’m slamming my head into something so hard, I can’t see straight, and my visions gone red, my forehead sticky and hot, “Let me die. Let me die. Just! Let! Me! DIE!”

It hurts.

I don’t know where I am anymore. I don’t know where Chara is.

I want her.

I want her arms around me, her smell of cinnamon and books, her hands, never cold, and her breath, touching my neck, my face, her hair, so soft, getting in my mouth, my nose-

Again.

Again.

Again.

Again.

A

g

a

i

n

.

** _Don’t lose hope! Chara… Stay determined!_ **

** **

We enter, Asgore says his little line about tea, Papyrus leaves, I die.

Again.

Again.

Again.

We enter, “I want so badly to say, “would you like a cup of tea?””, “they are helping.”, the door slams, armor clinks, fire sizzles, spears whiz, bones clatter.

F 

a

l

l

i

n

g

.

** _Don’t lose hope! Chara… Stay determined!_ **

** **

** **

_Chara?_

_Chara?!_

_Chara…_

We have to let them out. I am needed to free them. I can’t keep resetting.

“kid?”

“This time, try and make them keep me alive.”

“…”

“I want so badly to say, “would you like a cup of tea?” But…”

“but what, asgore, they’re just a kid, right around the same age as yours.”

“We only need one more.”

I look down at my hands.

“they’re not a danger!”

“All humans are dangerous! They’re disgusting excuses for living creatures.”

“and this one’s on our side. they’ll be good.”

“My re-research- There’s- there’s not another way to do this.”

“what if we could try?”

“One more, Sans. Just _one more_ until I can set my people free.”

“they just want to help... please, asgore, let them live.”

We’re moving, walking, going down down down, winding hallways, I’m given a room, a change of clothes, a metal bed with a thin mattress and not enough blankets, a door that locks from the outside.

I sit on the bed, Sans sits beside me.

“so.”

“…”

“i noticed something.”

“Hm?”

“you can’t die.”

“I can die.”

“But you don’t stay dead.”

“… How do you know?”

He grinned, eerie, teethy. “no one else remembers. i do.”

I looked at him quizzically, “What do you mean?”

“i’ve seen you. die. no one else remember anything in the time period. i do.”

I look at my hands. “The first time we met?”

“and three times before that.”

“Three?”

“one was a bit more like a glitch. it only lasted a second. then, the second was longer, thirty minutes? and then the third led into when we met. then the first time we met, and… over ten. fifteen. twenty, even. only there at the end i realized what it was, what it was linked to.”

“I did die, then.” I shut my eyes, squeeze them tight. “Right at the beginning. When I first fell. Why? Why am…”

“when… it’s called determination, i believe. you reached out to something, before we entered the throne room, and that was the point you always went back to. alphys, uh, the royal scientist? she’s supposed to be studying it. to see if she can make an artificial determination, something that can be used as the last soul in the barrier. but you’re here now. so we don’t need to.”

“They’re just? Stars? It’s… like… a save point, in a video game or something.”

“the royal scientist before alphys knew about those. the, uh, first kiddo who fell. could do what you can. he, the scientist, uh, _gaster_, was able to try and track them. that unfinished work is what kick-started alphys’ work.”

“What happened to him?”

“he…” It’s Sans turn to look away. “nobody remembers him, but he… died. vanished, is more like it. it’s like he was sucked from existence. poof. except me. i remember him. just like i remember you.”

“… What’s different about you?”

“i’m… i was apart of his experiments. i was one of the minor scientists there, and i volunteered for the chance of helping more. for helping papyrus. he was just a kid back then. thirteen, fourteen. he never changed much. it’s… like he’s stuck. i don’t know. anyways, i was… my soul was infused with an earlier form of the chemical alphys is working with, dt. determination. at first, my strength, magic level, general health rose, then skyrocketed. When the infusions stopped, some parts dropped, some parts stayed. my magic level. and my ability to… remember.”

“Oh.”

I can’t think of anything to say.

Then, “Did you know the first human?”

“the first-? oh, the king’s- i- guess i did. pap knew her better. they were closer in age. d- gaster would take me to show progress to the king, and i’d take paps to play with the king’s kid. kids. uh, the first time a human fell, the king, and queen at that time, were a lot nicer towards her. she was just a kid for one thing, skittish, and terrified. they took her in. her name was chara.”

I have goosebumps. I rub my arms and shiver.

“she spent two and a half years here. she was chara _dreemurr_ at that point, and fifteen. she… got sick. gaster’s was halted to try and find a cure, but she wasn’t a monster. he didn’t know how to save her. she died. the king had another kid, the prince. asriel. he absorbed her soul to get past the barrier, and tried to take six more souls, so we could break the barrier. but the humans attacked him, and he came back, severely wounded. died too, soon after. both souls were lost. and that stuff does things to a marriage. the queen left, she disappeared too. no, people still remember her. but after loosing both kids and his wife, the king promised he’d get us out. he declared war on the humans and declared that any found were to be sent to a member of the royal guard, to be executed. after that, we’ve had six humans. no one ever remembers what they look like, but eventually, someone does and… we have six souls. we just need one more.” 

He stops, and I can feel the implication, _“your soul.”_

“I think you know, I’d freely give that. But, as you know, I can’t seem to die.”

“but i don’t see why? the first human had the reset powers like you, but she died. you want to know what i think? i think she got sick on purpose. i think that collecting the six other human souls was the plan in the first place. she gave up her will to live, the determination? right? see, so her soul stopped holding on. but now you’re in the same situation, but the results are different. you’re able to “reset”, and you don’t have the determination to live, but you still can’t die? so what’s different?”

He’s quiet, like he’s waiting for me to respond. I wouldn’t know. Would I?

“shit, i’ve got to go, kiddo, but i’ll try to come back and chat _sometime_.”

“Wait!”

“yeah?”

“Where… Are we? Where am I?”

“alphys’ lab? i thought? it’s where you’re going to be staying while they figure out what to with you. alphys thinks that maybe she can transfer your soul to the king or whatever vessel and give it back, with out your body dying, and losing… everything that’s necessary in there.” He gestures at me.

“but, uh, kiddo? i’d be careful. undyne is really rooting for the easy way out.”

“But, Sans?”

He’s gone.

“Chara?” I whisper, trying my hardest to sense her. “Are you there?”

Faintly, I hear the echo of weeping, then getting louder and louder into sobs and screams. I’m curled back on the farthest corner, panic panic panic-

Red hair, red eyes, dripping black, staining the sweater-

Gone.

Gone.

Everyone’s gone.

I’m alone.

Alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i don't even know what's going on anymore. if you have any questions, about the story, about me, about my kinda au? thing? ask em in the comments. I'll probably answer within the day. If i don't, haha i'm having my first sleep over go away. 
> 
> sorry my brain needs sleep. And medication. fun
> 
> also!!! If someone wants to help me edit and stuff, bouce ideas off of? and like you get to read it first and then tell me what needs work? (there's a better description, i can't remember) I'd be grateful.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> screech? angst
> 
> As always be careful reading my stuff, most of it has potentially triggering factors.
> 
> Enjoy!

It was very quiet in my room. The room. The cell.

It was a cell, wasn’t it?

It had a metal bed, no bathroom, no bookshelves or desk. No blankets, nothing homely.

More importantly…

The door locked from the outside.

The _metal,_ beaten, scratched, discolored door, that locked from the _outside._

A room with a door with that much power is a prison. A cell. I knew this personally.

_Fear fear fear hate hate loathingloathingloathingpainpain!wantto-_

Things you don’t want.

_Hands hands squirming stop stop nonononostopstopnono-_

Things you don’t like.

_Bare exposed pain stopstopstopstopstopstoptofarheavyinininstopstopstopstopstop-_

Things you can’t back.

_Red red red red blood blood gone dead he’s dead deaddeaddeaddeaddeadIdidn’tmean-_

I shiver and curl up in the corner of the metal bed.

I miss Chara.

I wish…

I wish she was here.

What happened? Where was she? What was wrong?

I wish I could help.

I sit there. And think. Then I ask, “Chara?”

“How can I help?” I stare at a spot on the floor, waiting for something. Anything.

_Anything. Please._

Pain blisters through my skull, and I gasp, clutch my head-

_I’m little, little, little, playing, outside, parents shouting, someone older, older, older takes my hand and takes me away, _sister_, my sister, safe, she’s safe, safe, safe- Older, I’m older, older, older and I’m different. My face is different. What is it? My sister says it’s “cool”, “different” is good. It spreads, spreads, spreads, my lips, forehead, eyes. Red, red, red, weird, wrong, bad, bad, bad, new word, evil, demon, they say I need help, I’m unclean, the cleansings recommended are- bad. Bad, bad, bad, they’re holding a match close to my arm, forcing me towards the hearth. Holding my head under water, until my lips turn blue and I scream and gasp and choke. Then they’re screaming at me, a man, commanding me to leave my body, return to the depth of hell where I come from, leave me alone. But there’s nothing wrong. Just me. I’m wrong. Wrong, bad, evil, horrible, and I’m not safe I’m not _worth_ protecting like before. I run away. I know this is wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, I run away. Away, away, away, and the police arrest my father, I’m sent to an orphanage, one of the last, and it’s bad, bad, bad, I’m bad, bad, bad, wrong, horrible, and then I’m climbing the mountain, tall, tall, tall. I find a cave, with a hole, deep, deep, deep, and I think, “what if I fell? What if I disappeared with out a trace, and no one could hurt me, and I couldn’t hurt them? I think and step up to the edge, and my foot catches and I’m falling, falling, falling, no, no, no! I don’t want to die! I hit the ground, and pain shoots through my leg, I cry out. I lay there. I know if I stand, my leg won’t hold me. I call out for help. No one comes. Again. This time, I hear footsteps. “It sounds like it come from over here… Oh! You’ve fallen down, haven’t you...?” I look up and find… A goat? Creature? “Are you OK?” “Um. My leg…” His eyes widen, and I can almost literally see him panic internally. “Uh… Here, get up.” He helps me stand and stumbles, trying to get on the right side to support me as I limp back where he came from. “My, uh, name’s Chara.” “Chara, huh? That’s a nice name.” He smiles at me, and suddenly, I realize, I have to keep him safe. I have to protect him. “My name’s Asriel. I’m, uh, t-taking you to my mom. She’ll know what to do.” And he does, and she does and she’s nice, and she can use magic! She heals my leg as best as she can, but she doesn’t know how to heal a human quite as well, she says, so it’ll take longer, sessions, maybe. Asriel’s dad is big and scary and goofy and he makes me a splint and crutches. They give me a room, and it’s shared with Asriel, and when I have nightmares, and thrash and scream and hide, he gets his mom, and helps her coax me out from where ever I am, and he hugs me until I trust his mom, and then she holds me and rocks me, and she’s so big, it’s not weird for someone my age. But no matter how much of the child in me is released, I still feel wrong, bad, horrible, and I scream, and kick and run away, and wait for them to snap and get rid of me, but they don’t, they don’t. They find me and ask if they can help and I hate it I hate it I hate _me_, why are they being nice to me? And when Asriel asks if I want a brother, I’m confused, I have him, and my- no, not her, not her, and I tell him so, the part about him, and he laughs, and says what if it was official? I think back the orphanage, and how kids, normal kids, ones who weren’t demons, were adopted. I ask him and he can’t stand it and hugs me and tells me, yes, that if I want, I can be Chara Dreemurr, and I’m crying, and he asks what he did wrong, and I say “nothing!” and I say yes. And then we’re moving, from Home to… New Home. And I realize that Asriel’s dad is a king, is the King, and that he’s very bad at names. And I also realize why they’re not on the surface. They’re trapped. The humans imprisoned them, and they need 7 human souls to be freed. And then I make a discovery. Buttercups are poisonous. At the time it’s bad, it’s very, very bad and Asriel’s- my Dad is very sick, but he gets better, and I have an idea, one that mixes and churns, and then, when it’s complete I tell Asriel. He doesn’t understand, doesn’t want me to die, but I tell him, he can just… put my soul back? He reluctantly agrees. I leave without him, the morning we planned. The patch of buttercups is so, so pretty. I almost feel bad, ripping handfuls of the poisonous that going to kill me from the ground. By the time Asriel gets there’s only a few flowers left. My mouth burns. It burns, my throat, my stomach burn, burn, burn, I threaten Asriel, he can’t tell anyone how I got sick. He can’t. If I get better, I’ll kill him. I’ll kill him. He doesn’t say anything. Everyone’s trying something, they even have that scientist that brings his kids over all the time, poking and prodding at me. And I just get worse and worse, and then it happens. It’s so weird, so wrong, and Asriel does as instructed, he runs to the barrier, six, we only need six, I have an idea of who to kill. Asriel backs out, he wants to go back, go back, no! We can’t go back, not when we’re this close! But we’re hurt, we’re dying, and he’s going back, and collapsing- His dust scatters everywhere, and I’m losing consciousness- Wrapped- moved- buried- falling- falling- falling- falling- falling- falling- falling- Dark skin, shaggy hair, brown eyes, their- they _notice_ me. “Who…” their voice breaks, “Hello? …Am I going crazy.” I realize. I’m dead. I follow them, get attached, my heart swells when I think of then, not like Asriel, not like a sibling. Like something else, and then they’re trying to free everyone. Then… What have I done? Is it… It’s all my fault, my fault, my fault, I ruined everything. I doomed they’re future. I killed Asriel. I made Mom leave. There’s war on the humans. And if we do get out, we’ve killed six kids in doing it. If- If I had just died. If I had just died. If I didn’t have all this determination! I would have died the first time something happened. I never would have fell. I never would have ruined everything. Ruined. Ruined. Ruined. Ruined. Ruined, ruined, ruined, ruined, ruined ruined ruined ruinedruinedruinedIwanttodieIwishIwasneverborn-_

I’m crying, crying, crying, scrambling, to get out of her guilt, “Chara!” My voice breaks, “Chara, please, it’s not all your fault, it’s not, it’s not, how could it be? You wanted to help.”

I look up to find Chara’s holographic form, sitting like me, knees up, arms around legs, back to wall. Her head is on her knees, faced away.

*I. _Failed._

She lifts her head, and I can see the remains of black goo on her shirt, on her face.

*I tried and _failed_ and _ruined_ everything.

She lays her head back.

“But I never would have met you.”

Her voice is thick.

*I- it’d be for the better if you’d never met me.

“No! You saved me! I would have died a million times over if not for you!”

She’s quiet.

“You saved me, didn’t you? When I fell? The first reset. That was you, wasn’t it? I’m not determined. To do anything! I give up before the start! You- You _saved _me.”

Her voice is cold and hard.

*Then one person gone, rather than the countless caused by me.

It hurts. More than a rope around my neck. More than a fall through a mountain. More than the back of my mother’s hand. Tears prick at my eyes, because she’s right.

Then, it dawns on me.

“But you saved them too? The six who fell? That fall would kill anyone without you.”

She lurches up right and begins pacing, a few inches off the ground.

If she wasn’t a ghost, and her feet were actually making contact with the stone ground, her stomps would be very loud. Angry.

I can hear her whispering.

*But… It’s my fault. It’s my _fault_.

“No, it’s not. You didn’t make the choices that led here. How can it be your fault?”

*I! Ate the flowers on purpose. I got sick- died -on purpose! So that Azzy could take my soul and cross the barrier. So that he could free us, even if I couldn’t. And he… And I! I wanted to attack. I wanted revenge on the village that terrorized me. But he wouldn’t let me. And he died because of it. We were injured, and he died. It was my fault, every part. I even pressured him into the plan. He never even wanted to do it.

*Asriel died because of me.

*I killed him.

She’d whirled at me, yelling, but she turned away, her last words were so quiet, it was almost impossible to hear.

I get up and stand behind her. “I’m sorry.” I hug her form, and she turns into me and cries.

There’s a knock on the door, and Chara jumps and dematerializes. It opens.

“Hel- Hi, I’m Dr. Alphys, the, Royal Sc-scientist? Um. Is it ok if I get a check up on your vitals?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to ask questions about the story, my au, or me! 
> 
> I still need a Beta-Reader, but of course I do, I post these chapters so fast and often. Comment if you're interested!!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Very unedited. Alphys comes and gets our protagonist for vital/stat check. What she finds is (not) amazing! (not click bait)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I suck I have no idea what's in the chapters anymore. but just be careful, Suicidal stuff, Murder stuff, guilt, fun things like that.
> 
> Sorry. 
> 
> Enjoy?

“Hel- Hi, I’m Dr. Alphys, the, Royal Sc-scientist? Um. Is it ok if I get a check up on your vitals?”

I awkwardly move my arms down to my sides and shift slightly so I’m facing her. “I… Sure?”

The door is shoved open further, revealing the armored figure from before, though this time with out a helmet. “GOOD! Because we would have done it with or with out your say so! Now, come on!”

She’s human-like, though with blue scales, some red, framing her eyes, and on the side of her head, which is shaved. She has blue and red fin as replacement to ears, and a high, red ponytail. Her voice is scratchy and stern. Mad, almost. It holds a certain hatred that churns my gut. She reaches out and grips my arm, dragging me out into the hall. I wince, but don’t say anything. I’m glad she can’t remember the resets. I’m glad she can’t remember all the times I begged for her to take my life.

“Undyne! B-be careful! We, uh, they’re, still, um, I-I-I, uh.” Dr. Alphys shrinks a little bit, seemingly unable to find the right words, and the confidence.

“Be careful with the specimen?” Undyne guesses, all threat gone from her voice.

“I wouldn’t call the human a specimen, but technically, right now, it is accurate, so, uh, yes.”

“Got it.” The iron grip is replaced by a firm hand on my back, right between my shoulder blades.

Everything is quiet. Almost everything. Alphys’ un-shoed-feet’s talons click on the ground, and Undyne clanks behind me. Every now and again, Alphys has to press in a code to a door, and then suddenly we’re at a lab. The door swishes shut behind us, and then makes a series of ticking sounds.

“It-It’s locked. Um, the gown?” Alphys moves from the door and gestures at metal gurney with white paper spread the length. On it is a folded hospital gown.

I glance at Undyne and step toward the table. I take the piece of clothing. I look at Undyne again. She catches my gaze.

“I’m not moving. Hurry it up.”

I can feel blood rushing to my face, my ears. I put the gown back down and slowly take off my shoes, socks, and last, inevitably, my sweater. I’d only taken it off in Toriel’s bathroom, the door locked tight, Chara banned from the room. I’m aware of every scar that’s on display. The ones that were viciously torn in to my wrists, that slide up my arm to the elbow, the rope burns around the same place, twisted, rubbed, bloodied, and what the turtle neck hid. The scar, pale against my olive sink tracing where a noose would snap my neck, or, when that didn’t work, cut off my oxygen, leaving me strangling, until the branch broke.

The next thing that comes, my shirt, and I’ve never wished for a binder more. Being inspected as I undress by a hostile person. I put on the gown then and take off my pants and it’s over.

I cross my arms over my chest, no longer hidden by an overly baggy sweater, and pull my shoulders up, though it will do nothing for my neck. I catch Undyne’s gaze one again, trying to gauge her reaction. To. Everything. Her arms are similarly crossed over chest, and her eyes are narrowed.

“Ready?” Alphys’ voice calls from somewhere impossible.

“Yeah!” Undyne yells back and motions me toward a scanner.

I look around the room to find it mostly cabinets and counters. There’s one big screen with a lot of things that seem to be attached, and in the corner, digging through a drawer that’s too tall for her. This lab was obviously made for someone tall. I remember Gaster. Sans said no one remembered him. That he was the last Royal Scientist. Maybe this was his lab.

“Got it… Ok, um, I-I’ll need you to stand… here.” Alphys is back over with us, her eyes glued to some sort of tablet. She looks up at me and her mouth opens a little bit. She shuts it and sets the tablet down. “May I? L-look at the, uh, scars?”

I can feel my hands start to shake as I uncross my arms. She’s so close, taking my hands in hers, looking at my wrists, my arms, then at my neck, almost without realizing it, she tips my head up with a claw to see under my chin. Then she’s back on the tablet tapping away, then back up at me. “Do you have- have anymore.”

I stare at her like I don’t understand. I do. I know I have more. On my legs. On my back and stomach and hips. But I don’t want to disobey. “I- uh…”

She seems to die inside.

I swallow. “On my legs.” I gesture at my calves, “And thighs.” I pull the gown up to show off the white lines in neat little rows. “Hips.” I reenact the pull up the gown, though this time I have to shift my underwear, too. “Stomach.” I give up and just take it all the way up, “And back.” I turn and undo the top two ties on the gown. I feel her talons brush the burn marks from cigarettes, the ones from glass bottles, no matter how I happened, it being broken over my back, or my bare back being thrust onto it already shattered, and my own scratch marks from my fingernails raking over the same spot over and over and over.

I swallow and wait until they go away to retie the gown.

I turn back around.

“How many of those were given to you, and how many did you give yourself?”

“Undyne!”

“What?” Undyne shrugs. “It was a legitimate question.”

“An insensitive one.” Alphys shakes she head and presses more buttons on her tablet.

“It’s about half and half.” They both look up, surprised. “The neck is self-inflicted, so are the arms, but the rope burns on my wrists aren’t mine. Legs are just a big mix, hips are from me, when I thought I needed to hide it from my parents, and the back is mostly a big canvas of my dad! So. Um. Yeah…” I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself-

“See, they were willing to answer.”

“Undyne-! Ugh. Sorry. You really didn’t need to answer that. It’s totally personal, and not part of this research. Anyway- Uh, I need to check your baseline, vitals, stats, that sort of thing.”

I’m dying to ask questions. I don’t.

“I need to pull out your soul, so I can get readings. Here.” She drags a stool over to the gurney and watches me climb up. Then summons a little white electric bullet and holds it near my chest. It feels like something’s tearing into my chest sucking out- The red heart escapes my chest. It sits there and my breath is ragged, choked, wheezing.

I don’t take my eyes off Alphys, her expression, worried, concerned, scared, anxious, though I can feel her scan it with some sort of machine. I don’t look at it.

I don’t look.

I don’t want to look.

It’s wrong. So so wrong, that my soul hasn’t shattered. That my body hasn’t shut down. It should have. I should be dead, why aren’t I dead? Why aren’t I dead? Why aren’t I-

“Ok, you’re good to go.”

I feel the heart sink back into my body. My breathing hitches, then returns to normal. 

“Uh.” Alphys looks over at Undyne, who seems more on edge than before. “So, uh, I noticed some irregularities. Your health points are full, but, there was something else. Your LV.”

“LOVE.” Flowey… Flowey had said something about LOVE, hadn’t he?

“Y-yeah! But do you know what that means? LOVE is an acronym. Level Of Violence. And your EXP. T-that’s Execution Points… They’re both… Higher. Than normal.”

“And why are you explaining that to them, _get away_.” Undyne steps toward Alphys and takes her arm, to pull her away.

“That’s the whole idea of why you’re here, Undyne.” Alphys hisses and takes a step back. Undyne lets her.

“Execution Points are, um, counted by, uh, _gained_, by uh, _killing_? Something? When this reaches a certain point, your Level Of Violence raises. You have 34 EXP and are LV 3. In our _situation_\- this is, uh, suspicious? Sans- Well, the reason- You’re- uh…”

“The thing is, _kid_, no matter how much we need that soul of yours, the king is still a big fluffy_ pushover_, pacifist, if you catch my drift, and your little buddy Sansy vouched for you. If we find anything that proves that you, as a _person_, are convictable of a crime, one of which you already are- being a _human brat_\- I will take much pleasure in personally taking that soul, _if you catch my drift_. And be aware. I am the head of the Royal Guard. I’m trained to know when someone is lying.” Undyne seems to loath me. It’s ok, though, I get why. I understand. She’d stepped forward until she was in my face, snarling at me. “So, go ahead, spill your guts. Take into account, one wrong word, and that’s not a metaphor.”

“Uh, well, uh, what she means, is there anything you remember doing that would have caused those point totals to rise? If you’ve done anything wrong, it’s ok to tell us.”

Anger anger anger no no no Chara stop don’t hurt her don’t hurt her- dust dust dust dust dustdustdustdustdustdust- It’s not me it’s not me it’s not me it wasn’t me _itwasn’tme-_

I take a breath and grip the edge of the gurney. My knuckles are white. My hands have blood on them.

“Have you? Killed-”

I snap my eyes shut. I’m shaking. I’m crying. Stop. Stop it. Stop it! STOP IT!

Red red red red red red redredredredredredredred, stomach gaping open, throat cut, hands bloody, reaching for me, even in death, I look down, at my hands, red red red red red red red redredredred- nonononono, no please, I didn’t mean for him to die. I didn’t mean- I didn’t- I didn’t mean for him to die!

“I didn’t- I don’t- I didn’t- Didn’t mean for him to- to die.” A sob hitches my voice. “I just wanted him to get _off_.”

“H-h-him?” Alphys’ voice is close and scared, like I’m scary, like I’m a murderer, I’m a murderer, I’m a murderer- Undyne is right. I should be dead. She should kill me. I should be dead. I need to be dead. To help the monsters. They deserve happiness. They deserve more. I’m ruining it. Teasing them. Dangling candy in front of a child but never giving them a piece. They can have my soul- take it- take it!

“I just wanted him to get off- to go away.”

“Wh-what happened?”

“He was- I was- I’d been- bad.” My voice cracked, and looked at Alphys, wished I knew the right words to explain everything. “I was in, in the basement. I’d been bad.” I can feel it creeping up on me. The wrongness. My hands twitch. I scratch at my arms. “I’d been bad.” I shut my eyes again. Why had I been bad? What had I done? I can’t remember. “And he- my- he came down into the basement. I had- I found a knife. It didn’t have a handle. It cut my palm.” I rub the scar. “He was- wanted- He was going to- I was just defending myself. He had a pattern of… My own father… He was trying to- strangle me- I- I… I couldn’t breath- I couldn’t see! I didn’t mean to-“ I’m pleading with them, with someone. “I had to… I had to… I _had _to. I- I had to.”

No, you didn’t. You could have taken it like always. You could have let him have his way. Let his drunken ass fuck you until you couldn’t walk. Let him leave you, bare, weeping in the basement for your mother to find.

I’m sitting quietly. Waiting. My knees somehow migrated up to my chest, my hands combing my hair, clenching, unclenching. It reminds me of a dog, the hair that falls out as I pull it. I’m waiting for something, I remember. Their reaction. If I’m guilty of murder.

Am I?

I feel like a loose screw, a lost bag of marbles. Like my head’s on backwards, or it’s going to fall off. Maybe it’s all the time I’ve spent literally dying and dead. Maybe I’m just broken. A broken, messed up, insane, murderer.

“So… Let me get this straight, punk,” Undyne rubs her temples. “You were “bad” and in some sort of time out when- who was this again? That you killed? Your dad?” She takes her head out of her hands and steps toward me. “Your _dad_ comes down into the basement, you have a knife? And he tries to do what, exactly, sorry, I couldn’t understand you, all the stuttering?” She waits.

I open my mouth but can’t speak. It seems so _embarrassing_, my own father, raping me, over and over and over- No, not embarrassing. Something else. Wrong. Bad. Like if I tell, I’m bad. I’m bad.

“So, tries to do _something_ to you, which you can’t tell me? And he strangles you? So, you kill him.”

I can’t say anything.

“Um, uh, try and be clearer? So, we understand you better. I-I get it’s emotional, but we need to understand.”

“Alphy, why are you even trying! They’ve _killed_ someone. Let’s just get it over with. Get out of here. Get out of the Underground.” It’s almost like she’s begging, pleading.

“I can’t. I just… Can’t. What if it was justified? What if _us_ killing _them_ is murder.”

“We’re saving mankind.”  


“What if they were saving themself?” Their voices got quieter, softer until I had to strain to hear.

“Alphys…”

“Undyne…”

She groans, then turns to me. “Ok, _punk_, one. Last. Chance.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to ask questions about the story, my au, or me! Or comment in general im like addicted to comments. :P
> 
> I need a Beta-Reader! Comment if you're interested!


	14. Dimwit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My brain hurts. It's broken. I'm broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Sexual abuse, incest, death, suicidal idealization
> 
> Be careful, have fun reading!

She groans, then turns to me. “Ok, _punk_, one. Last. Chance.”

I stare at her, dumb. I swallow and look down.

“My, uh, mother used to throw me in the basement when I did something outside the rules. Usually something stupid like getting home from school late or- or doing something “abnormal”, that didn’t fit in. Freakish, her words. “The world doesn’t like what it doesn’t understand. It doesn’t understand freaks.” I don’t- don’t remember what I did that time, but she sent me into the basement.”

“I- my father… Had started a habit, when I was younger, 6 or 7, of- of molesting me.” I shift on the table, my insides feeling torn, pushed, mashed, maxed. “When I was older, 9? I- he got bored of using his fingers.”

“When I heard him that night- I could tell he was drunk. His walking pattern was off. His hands shook when he unlocked the door. I- I could guess what he was going to do. I was scared. The light blub doesn’t work in the basement, and I don’t like the nooks and crannies. I was under the stairs, and I felt a knife. No handle, just a blade. It was dull and rusty, and I was holding it when he went down the stairs. He dragged me out.”

“Started- to… um. Started to, do _that_, and I… I had the knife in my hand, and I just meant to get him off me, just scare him. It… Wasn’t a killing blow, just a small cut. But it didn’t work either. He just got mad, tore the knife out of my hand, started strangling me. “Pay back.” He never liked me. Never wanted me. Never wanted kids. I bothered him, I took up too much space, ate too much food…”

“I don’t know, he was drunk, and I couldn’t focus very well. He just- I don’t know. I managed to scoot far enough back to grab the knife again. I- slit his throat. There was blood all over me. I couldn’t stop staring at him. The puddle that grew. I hit a vein, I think.” I finger my own neck until I can feel a pulsing under my fingertips. “One of the big ones. He was dead in under 2 minutes…” 

I shut my eyes. I want so bad to say, “You can kill me now.” I don’t. It wouldn’t work anyway. Chara’d just bring me back. I wish we could switch places. I wish she was alive and I was dead, a ghost. I wish I was dead. I wish I was dead. I wish I was dead-

I can feel panic rising in my throat, tears brimming my eyes. I can’t. I _can’t_. Not with them here. Never. I just want to die. I hate myself. I hate myself_. I hate myself._

“Shit.”

“Do you have to?”  


“To what?”

“B-Be disappointed that you can’t kill them!”

“You’re not? Because now, we have to wait, and wait, and _wait_, until you come up with a solution. And no offence Alphys, that’s going to take a very long time. We’ve waited so long for freedom, so much so it’s become like a fairytale. And we’re this close, _this close_, to escaping. And we _can’t_ because we “can’t” kill one of the humans who did this to us.”

“That was thousands of years ago! Neither of us had even been _born_. We can’t blame them because they’re simply the same species.”

“I know! But- We _have to_. Remember? We’re at war.”

“I-I think that the king will have withdrawn that at this point.”

They’re arguing. They don’t notice me. I try and keep it that way. My breaths, though quiet, are shaky and fast. I try and regulate it with deep, long inhales, hold hold hold hold hold, out. Except that doesn’t help either, because on the “out”, it’s a big puff and then I gasp and gasp for a second before trying again. It isn’t working. They’ve started staring at me.

They’re still staring at me.

They’re still staring.

They’re all staring.

_They’re all staring._

_At me. The blood on my hands. Arms. Face. Shirt and jeans. It’s all dried and gross, making my skin tight, clothes stiff. _

_Someone’s talking but I can’t hear. _

_All I can do is stare at a scuff in the table._

_Someone says my name. _

_I don’t want to hear. That’s not my name. I want to scream._

_Someone touches my shoulder. I snap away, like a button pressed, I’m struggling against the handcuffs as hard as possible, screaming, sobbing, pleading, “Let me go! Let me go. Let me go! Let me go!”_

_Someone kneels in front of me. Tries to talk to me, but I can’t- I can’t- can’t- hear- I can’t understand. I just want to get away. I shut my eyes tight, tight, tight. _

_A question. The Question. They ask the Question over and over. _

_“Why did you do it?”_

_That’s easy. I was scared._

_I wanted to get away. I wanted the pain to stop. The discomfort. The wrongness. I wanted him to stop._

_They don’t understand. “Pain? Was he hurting you? Discomfort? What do you mean, “wrongness”?” _

_There’s a word for it. I can’t remember. I’m not working. I’m broken. _

_“Molestation? Rape? Incest?”_

_Yes. Yes. Yes. _

_Over and over and over- and I just wanted him to stop._

_I didn’t mean for him to die. I didn’t want to kill him. I just wanted him to stop._

_Someone takes me away. Stands, waiting, as I collect things from my room. Drives me away. Different. Everything’s different. They’re… Nice? They have a daughter. Like me, she’s not theirs. “Adopted”. I’m not adopted. Just being fostered. I have a new school. I’m too smart. I already know everything. Nobody likes me. ““The world doesn’t like what it doesn’t understand. It doesn’t understand freaks.”” My mother. _

_My mother._

_My mother wants me back. “Custody”._

_They ask me about her. I shrug. I’m not allowed to say anything. I want to tell them. About her. The back of her hand, and the basement, and the fighting, the cheating, the screaming, throwing, breaking. I don’t._

_She acts like it’s good to have me back. She acts like she loves me. Does she? If she loved me… She would have stopped him. She didn’t. Just told him to get it out of her house. “Does the basement count?”. _

_And it’s back to normal. As close to normal as I can get. I just want it to end._

_I want everything to end. _

_Please, just let it end. _

_Please, let me die._

_Let me die._

_Please._

Alphys turns to Undyne, they’re talking. About something I can’t hear.

“-I am NOT-“

“Undyne.”

“-NO WAY-”

“-they’re just a kid, with wrongs done against them. They had to defend themself-“

“-in exchange for the freedom of monsterkind?”

“-in their shoes, you would have done the same thing-“

“-I’m not in their shoes-“

*_It’s weird, right._ _Having people argue if you should live. _

_You aren’t a murderer._

_*Yes. I am._

_Whatever._

_*They did this when I first fell. They needed to decide if they should kill me, or if it was morally improper. It is. By the way. Immoral. That’s what they decided. It’s wrong to use someone’s liveliness for your own gain. Liveliness meaning soul. But they did it anyways. When I was gone? Six. Six people fell. They’ve collected six souls._

_But now- I’m just one. The six are already done. No undo. Killing one kid? With no attachments, consequences, back fire. I _want_ to die. I think they should do it._

_*Good thing it’s not up to you, dimwit._

“Come on, _punk_.” Undyne, unknowingly interrupting our conversation, has quit her bickering with Alphys, and stormed over to us- me, taking my arm firmly in her hand.

“Come on, _punk, _since we decided _not_ to kill you- you’re going back to your “room”.” Alphys silently leads us back to my <strike>cell</strike> room, and Undyne thrusts me inside. I stumble to a stand-still and stare at the ground.

I hear the door shut behind me. I hear the click! As the door locks. I take a deep breath and go sit on the metal bed.

“You called me a dimwit.”

*I did. You deserved it.

I want to protest, but I don’t.

Chara is sitting on the floor beside my legs hanging off the bed.

Her head is down.

“You look horrible.”

*Yeah? I feel horrible too.

“I’m sorry.” I slide down and sit next to her.

*Don’t be.

She is very still, knees angled away from me.

Then:

*You know, maybe we’re not a good idea.

“What?”

*You and me. Being friends. Or whatever we are.

“Why?”

*We’re both… Unstable. The tiniest thing sets us back to the beginning. I’m not helping you. Sometimes I _can’t_ help you- and what if you need help?

“Hey…” I touch her knee. “You’re not required to help me. I can’t hold you to that standard.”

*But if all we do is bring each other down? If every moment is spent feeling awful about not being able to help? Or worrying? Is the relationship worth it?

I sidle up next her, moving my hand from her knee to around her shoulders. “You are.”

*What?

“You’re worth it. Every moment with you is worth it. Every up, every down. The full package. It’s worth it.

She puts her head on my shoulder, and I can see her mottled face is streaky with the remains of black tears.

*I wish someone told me that back in 1963… I wish I’d known you back in 1963…

She’s quiet.

*No. I don’t…

“I wish I’d known you at all. Maybe… Maybe none of this would have happened.”

*But the monsters would still be here. Stuck. That happened… Way before our time.

Quiet.

Quiet.

Quiet.

And then the ground began to break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhhhhhhh OK, so I don't know if anyone's noticed, but I have no idea what I'm doing, where I'm going with this. I really need some sort of beta reader (comment if you're interested), but honestly it's more than that, because this is still a draft. I just kinda need to get my ideas together. Sadly, that's not how my brain works. It says: "Idea? WRITE IT!!!!!!! WHO CARES IF IT'S NOT GOOD LOOK AT YOUR WORD COUNT!!!!" ...I have ADHD...
> 
> I don't know. At this point, I really need to choose between making it good, and finishing it with all my inspiration intact. And the latter is, honestly, more enticing. Which means that low quality chapters will be published in quick succession. BUT! I'd like feed-back. Tell me what you prefer! 
> 
> Sorry for the rant. If you have any questions about the story, my AU, or me, feel free to ask! Take care of yourself and have a good... 24 hours?? bye!


	15. Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can't finish this...

I'm really sorry to anyone who actually liked this, but I'm discontinuing this story. I feel like it's not my best work, low quality, and I have another story on AO3 that i'm more invested in, not to mention the novel i'm writing and the novel i'm editing for a friend-

If anyone actually cares? Write a comment and I'll try, a bit later when things have cooled down to continue this.

Thank you so much for coming this far with me. <3


	16. HELP

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I need a beta

I'm re-writing this, but I need a beta. If anyone wants to help out, please contact @underneath-inbetween on tumblr!!


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